My Immortal with Gwennie's commentary!
by Gwennie333
Summary: The title says it all. My Immortal is written by Tara Gilesbie. It's known as the worst fic ever. I think it's hilarious.  With a lot of AVPM references
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody!**

**I'm Gwendoline, also known as Gwennie333, and I decided to write my own commentary of My Immortal, a fanfic by Tara Gilesbie. I haven't read the whole fic yet (got to chapter 12) so I'll comment during reading (most of it) for the first time. My comments are in bold.**

**Also, 'fangz' to my beta, Andraste Straton.**** (Andraste Straton: **Fangz Gwen, for letting me beta for you!**)**

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><p>Chapter 1.<p>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik **(goffiks have fangz? Not even through the first authors note and I'm confussed already.)**) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin **(Bieber?)**ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(why the apostrophe?)** and I have long ebony black hair **(doesn't ebony mean black? You have long black black hair.)** (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(limpid tears… Aren't they always limpid? You don't have to say everything twice!)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(That makes total sense. My boyfriend is really hot too, to bad I'm not related to him though.)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(I'm a vampire too, but my teeth are orange. You know, the normal color of teeth :S)** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(really? I didn't know there was another Hogwarts. I thought there was only one, in Scotland, apperantly I'm wrong.)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **(Because Hot Topic is THE shop for vampire witches in England (for the record, I've been informed that there aren't any Hot Topic's in England. Wouldn't know it myself, living in the Netherlands and all.))** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **(pink? Pink! ? Some gothic you are.)** and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **(why?)**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(at the same time? How? Oh, of course, magic. I forgot that at Hogwarts they have this special wheater. Sometimes, the sun is making everyone sweat while it's freezing at the same time.)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Did you notice how only 2 sentence didn't start with 'I'. Great start!)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. **(oh, the suspense)** Draco Malfoy!** (I can't really picture him shouting 'Hey Ebony'. Why do I have the feeling he's going to be out of character.)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Shyly. Like I said, out of character.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Wow, what an amazing chapter! And such good dialogue. Tara, you really have talent!)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(It sucks Royal Hippogriff.)**


	2. Chapter 2

**And here is chapter 2 of Tara Gilesbie's amazing fic :) I like to be really sarcastic, so when I agree with something Tara wrote, 99% of the time, I don't. If you get what I'm saying. Enjoy the chapter!**

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><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(Yeah thanks. You're doing such a wonderful job :S)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(They're not flaming, they're telling you the truth.)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom **(Really? I woke up in the supermarket. It was still closed though, so when I moved the alarms went off. Worked way better then my own alarm clock.)**. It was snowing and raining again **(that awesome magical weather system again)**. I opened the door of my coffin **(the door of your coffin? A door? Isn't it more like a lid?)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet **(omg, what! ? Pink again?) **with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **(So sexy.)** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **(I prefer putting earrings in my unpierced toes. So much more fun.)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **(No! Don't do that. Don't put your friends in the story.)**) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(I always grin at people, flip my hair, THEN open my eyes. Totally normal.)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini **(Mini what? I'm just going to assume you mean mini skirt, otherwise she'd be walking around half naked.)**, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation **(because you don't want people to see you pale white skin?)**and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Such an interesting conversation that was… Wait a second, Ebony and Malfoy talked for 2 seconds, and Willow saw that! ? Was she stalking her friend or something… Or Draco, she was stalking Draco!)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Oh, that's why you need foundation. To cover up your blush. I'm just curious over here, but has anyone told you that vampires don't blush?)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(From the dungeons to the Great Hall, that's quite a walk. Was there a really long silent moment, or does Willow just talk really slow?)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Get all defensive, that's always convincing.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed **(She exclaimed? I never would have guessed, with the exclamation point an all…)**. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(Why? Run, you idiot, RUN!)**

"Hi." he said. **(Please tell me this conversation is gonna be better than your last! I exclaimed.)**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(I flirt with guys I 'so fucking don't' like all the time to. Doesn't mean Willow was right. Oh wait, yes it does!)**

"Guess what." he said. **(You've mastered the use of the potty?)**

"What?" I asked. **(Did he say 'say what'? No, didn't think so. Why aren't you guessing?)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(No they're not. Did you hit him with a Confundus charm? It's the Weird Sister who are having a concert.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(To bad they're not coming to Hogsmeade, an all wizard town.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(Perfect way to end a chapter. Just, perfect.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for the story alerts! I hope you all like it. Also thanks to Andraste Straton, you really helped with this chapter!**

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><p>Chapter 3.<p>

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(Because only 'goffik ppl' give 'da good reveiws')** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(What the hell does that mean? Please learn to thank people properly.)** oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Really? I toughed that you did.)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(Stop with the clothes descriptions! We get it, you're a slut. Now move on!)** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky **(It looked spiky but it wasn't? Please stop using the Confundus charm on people!)**. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists **(Like we all do at some point during the day.)**. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC **(Maybe if you joined the cheerleaders, you'd be less depressed?)**. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **(Tons of eyeliner… that's going to look good when your old. Luckily you're a vampire)** Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(yesterday you did.)**. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(It's Roonil Wazlib's car for you!)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner **(oh my god you ruined Draco. You actually ruined Draco.)** (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok! **(fo kewl boiz? Sounds like dog food. 'Fo Kewl Bioz, for YOUR dog, because a man's best friend deserves the best.')**.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Respect for Ebony, she can exclaim in a depressed voice!)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **(that's not legal! Please let them get arrested. They don't stand a chance against the Wizard Cops, not even you Draco Malfoy.)**) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Because Dumbledore allows students to go to concerts, leaving Hogwarts, on non-Hogsmeade weekends, he doesn't mind that they are in a flying car (probably without ever having lessons) and that they smoke and do drugs. Where's Snape when you need him? [Snape arrives] What the devil is going on heeeere?)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(With the car still in the air? Tell me you died, tell me you died, tell me you died)** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we y istened to Good Charlotte. **(She didn't die :S Wait, she goes to the mosh pit and then just jumps up and down? I have hope again.)**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(Suddenly? Do you even know what that word means? You use it all the time but it's really not sudden at all.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on **(Because she's so fast and smart)**.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Draco wouldn't show emotions! Have you even read the books? Or seen the films? Maybe saw an advert, or even just talked to a Harry Potter fan?)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Yes, talk about how you hate Joel's girlfriend, if that doesn't convince Draco that you like him, then I don't know what will.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time **(So no slitting your wrist anymore?)**. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz **(because you where to stoned and drunk to walk)**, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(no surprise there really, flying car's like the Forbidden Forest, we knew that already.)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Just one other thing before you start reading, I can post '! ?' or '? !' behind each other, so there is a space between it. I hate how it looks, but I can't find another way to post it.**

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><p>Chapter 4.<p>

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(What! ?)** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(Yes, he fall in 'luv' with her after one amazing conversation. Doesn't makes Ebony (sorry, Enoby) Mary Sue or him out of character at all.)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(eechodder? Her in Holland we have cheese with names like that. Leerdammer, cheddar, maaslander. Sorry, getting lost in my own thoughts, but 'eechodder' sounds like cheese to me.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(he's going to give you to the centaurs, you're the only woman he's found who'd survive coitus!)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **(Does the car still hang in the air? Tara, you're really confusing me with this! But at least Draco sobered up enough to walk…)**I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(weren't you curious? In my experience, shouting at someone doesn't make him want to answer. But whatever, try it your way. Draco might lose his temper and curse you, made Crusio but a Bat Bogey hex or Jelly Leg jinx would be fine to! :))**

"Ebony?" he asked. **(Oh no, he's going to use his awesome conversation skills again. Btw, her name is Enoby now.)**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red **(gothic red is a color now? The pink that you like so much, is that gothic pink to?)** eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow **(no cheerful sorrow? How strange)** and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Because his eyes revealed evilness?)**

And then… suddenly **(This doesn't make it sudden!)** just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(Who kissed who?)** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **(keenly: having a fine, sharp cutting edge or point)** against a tree. **(Keenly making out… does that mean that Draco has a sharp point? Or are they cutting each other? They are sick!)** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(So your still wearing some clothes, right?)** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **(makes me think of Voldemort, which leaves a awful mental image. I'll just spare all of you guys, this three-way is too scary.)** and we did it for the first time. **(Where'd your clothes go?)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. **(iCarly just started, Sam was hitting a fish. And they are talking about being scarred for life. I really don't wanna comment on this awful sex scene, it has scarred me enough already. Worst thing I ever wrote!)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(That was sudden. Good for you Tara!)**

It was….Dumbledore! **(Oh. That was out of character. I hope he kills them, put them in Azkaban, lock them up in the Chamber of Secret or let Filch torture them. If he's swearing like that during his midnight walk through the forest he can do anything, can't he?)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everybody! Thank you all for the reviews and the story alerts and everything. Also thanks to Andraste Straton, my awesome beta!**

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><p>Chapter 5.<p>

AN: STOP flaming! **(But I want to smoke! I'm sorry, lame joke.)** if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Because that is the true definition of a prep or poser. Just look it up, I'm sure the dictionary say 'Prep or poser – when you flame on stories written by Tara Gilesbie.')** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(never heard of ibuprofen?)** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(Well, that would make everybody mad. The idea of Ebony having sex… What if she got pregnant? No one wants that! Andraste: Gwen, her name is Enoby now! God, get it right!)** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(Like that will EVER happen. Maybe you should take a hint?)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **(What? I always and put random words in sentences.)**He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(Ludacris sounds like a bad rapper… 'Wassup! I'm Luda-Cris!' Edit: Ludacris is an actual rapper.)**

I started to cry tears of blood **(that's not healthy! I looked it up and it's actually caused by some rare disease. Crying tears of blood is not some cool Gothic thing, it could mean you have a tumor.)** down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. **(Someone should comfort him, he just found out his girlfriend is dying because of some tumor.)** When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(I'm not surprised, they are always angry when they're together. They take the house rivalry seriously. 'Ten points from Gryffindor' 'Thanks Hermione!')**

"They were having sexual intercourse **(see, you can name it!)**in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Wiener jacket!)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(I'm pretty sure he meant to say "Why, that's absurd!")**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(So out of character! I can picture Draco rolling over the floor and wearing a diaper but I can't picture him falling in love with Ebony, let alone shriek (?) it around. Can you?)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(Euhm…? What just happened? Where is their punishment? Shouldn't they answer Lockharts fan mail, write lines with their own blood or clean without using magic? I wish Ebony would have to do it all!)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(Where is this skank going?)** When I came out…. **(of the closet.)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom **(And you just came out. How sad. You can send him back to Pansy now. Or not, if you prefer to have Pansy all for yourself. Just let Astoria have him then. Totally your choice. Andraste: I always thought Blaise and Draco made a nice couple.)**, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered **(Isn't that like singing 'It's time for a party' at a funeral? You should be mad. You're a vampire, they're dead!)**, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(So you put your black high heels on because that sleeps so comfortable? Hmm… I might try that someday to. Who knows right, maybe I'll sleep like an angel.)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi everyone!**

**I'm so sorry for my long absent, I have no (good) excuses for it. But I'm back and ready to finish this very poorly written son of a bitch.**

**Thank you all for reviewing and putting alerts on the story, it's what made me wanna continue. Also, thank you Andraste Straton, for still being there.**

**And now: ENJOY!**

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><p>Chapter 6.<p>

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **(Shit up? That gives me weird metal images of someone shitting in the toilet but then the shit goes up. 'Up you go'. Oh, I have weird imagination.)** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(At least she stopped asking for 5. Smart girl.)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(Wait a sec, shouldn't you be sleeping during the day? You're a kreatcher of the night.)** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **(I'm really getting sick of reading those clothes descriptions. She dresses like a whore, who cares! ?)** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **(She put two crosses in her ear? Vampire… Crosses… That's gotta hurt!)** I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(? Just '?')**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **(Is that a real thing?**** Oh my god, it totally is. I googled it, laughed my ass off. So, she is eating Count Chocula cereal, good for her.****)** with blood instead of milk, **(because that's extra jummie)** and a glass of red blood. **(****I always drink yellow blood. You know, like the blood of lady bugs.****)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. **(Really? When people bump into me it's never sudden, I always see them coming from miles away. I see it coming and just wait until they bump into me. ****Seriously! ? 'Suddenly someone bumped into me'? You're kidding me with this, right? You know, having vampire reflexes and super good eyes gives you the advantage of NOT bumping into people. Just saying.****)** All the blood spilled over my top. **(you have a wand, use it.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(Because you should never be mean to someone that hot.)** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(After reading this over and over I still can't find out what the hell Tara means with 'going down his face'. I just hope it's nothing gross, but I fear it's going to give me nightmares anyway. Going down his face…)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **(oh no, oh no, OH NO!)** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **(Just like Draco's what? His pet lizard?)** and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(No, she didn't!)** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent **(They all have an English accent. Does Tara know Hogwarts is NOT in America?)**. He looked exactly like Joel Madden **(Is it terrible that I don't know how he looks like?)**. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(You're seriously calling us sicko's! ? Seriously!)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **(somehow, I can't picture that.)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(They have been at the same school for years, never met before?)**

"My name's Harry Potter **(damn, she did it. She ruined Harry to.)**, although most people call me Vampire these days.** (just when I thought it couldn't get any worse) **" he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(I'm wondering the same thing. ****Wondering, not exclaiming.****)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood. **(I don't know what to say. I seriously don't know what to say.)**" he giggled. **(Giggled? And wait, let's get back at the blood thing. Harry is still human, but loves the taste of human blood? He and Voldemort would be such good friends. Voldy can kill people, Harry can suck them dry. ****They are a force you cannot ignore.****)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **("I'm in Slytherin" "I'm 17" "I'm a Starship ranger" "I'm a boy" "I'm a vampire". No, I'm sorry Tara, but no, I can't picture it. It's just not something you discuss casually over a glass of blood.)**

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Whimpered: to cry or sob with soft intermittent sounds. ****So now Harry is changed into this whiny goffik/emo blood loving idiot. Yeah! *Totally no sarcasm what so ever, I'm truly happy about this. I always wish Rowling wrote Harry more like this. Oh no wait, I wás being sarcastic.*****)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(RUMBELROAR!)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(That's it! ? But nothing happened! The whole freaking chapter was about her spilling her breakfast?)**


	7. Chapter 7

**As usual, thanks to Andraste Straton, for being my awesome beta! She added a few thinks and I tried to give her a bit more credit than I did in former chapters. So in some cases you'll see 'Andraste:' that means that she added it :) This doesn't mean that that's the only thing she contributed though!**

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><p>Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life <strong>(Chapter title! Hea, did you finally get mad at Draco for singing 'I just wanna live.')<strong>

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(Don't flatter yourself, God isn't reviewing.)** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(What's next, gold reviews?)** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(People should have reported you.)** Evony isn't a Marie Sue **(though, Ebony is)** ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(So for all you writers out there, if you're afraid that your character is a Marie Sue, just make her a Satanist (or satanits, whatever that is. Andraste Straton: Gwen, it's obviously the Devil with a head lice problem.) Gwen: I'm actually listening to the Glee version of 'Losing my Religion' right now. Not that you care, but still :D)** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(You might say she's depressed and she can be slitting her wrist and all, but first of all I'm not buying it, and second of all, it doesn't mean she can't be a Marie Sue. Because she is. Trust me.)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings **(Satanist sings? 666?)** on my nails in red nail polish **(They where black a minute ago! Oh wait, magical nail polish, duh.)** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **(I'm not even going to comment on this)**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **(I don't know why, but that sentence made me laugh so hard! Andraste: Same here!)** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(So Harry is crushing on Draco? Why not. Ebony, you know what you have to do now, right? Kill yourself, let Harry and Draco be depressed together, fighting on Voldy's side, have a lot of Gothic children and live forever and ever as vampires. That's way better than any future with you in it. Andraste: Drarry forever!)** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **(You weren't upstairs already? Long staircase.)** We went into his room **(? Draco's room is in the dungeons. Those are DOWN stairs! READ THE BOOKS!)**and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **(picture if you will. Passive frenching. Andraste: Is that like a limp handshake?)** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically **(Bipolar much?)**. He felt me up before I took of my top. **(Please stop)** Then I took off my black leather bra **(is that comfortable?)** and he took off his pants. **(Where is Dumbledore when we need him!)** We went on the bed **(went on the bed...? You went. On the bed? I don't even wanna makes jokes about this right now, just stop Tara, please stop! Just go on the toilet next time.)** and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(in your what…? Your boy thingy? Iehl! How would that even work?)** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?**(Yes, yes it really, really is.)**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(In the middle of your orgasm you just happen to see a tattoo that you didn't noticed before. )**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(So Draco is crushing on Harry too? Gay depressed vampire couple, nothing wrong with that. Not one little thing.)**

I was so angry. **(Why? It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't say Vampire Potter. You're a vampire, maybe the tattoo is for you. Don't jump to conclusions. Btw, Vampire Potter and Crazy Draco make such a cute couple :) Andraste: Harry and Draco in any situation make a cute couple is you ask me!)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **(She jumped to conclusions.)**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **(I'm with Draco.)** But I knew too much. **(You don't. Trust me, you don't.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(**You really don't seem to know much, maybe you should go to your classes sometimes? Here's a **little biology lesson: a****ids isn't something that only gays guys have. I****f someone with aids puts his guy thingy in yours without wearing a condom, you get infected. That means you are HIV positive now too. And at some point you'll have aids. I know you think you're a vampire and all, but you are not. So you will die. (And oh my Rowling, please die soon!))**

I put on my clothes all huffily **(huffy: easy offended, arrogant. I don't know what it has to do with your clothes, but you're huffy alright.)** and then stomped out. **(rrrrrrrrr. Storrrrrrrrmed. Stormed. It's not so difficult. Stomped out means smashed down, beat up or even killed. And even though we all wished you got beaten so bad that you would die, it isn't what you meant.)** Draco ran out even though he was naked. **(Because he just lay on the bed, waiting until Ebony got dressed until he decided to chase after her.)** He had a really big you-know-what **(again with the Voldemort images. My eyes, my eyes!)** but I was too mad to care. **(You're still comenting on it though… I'm picturing a really mad Ebony starring at naked Draco, who has a very big, but very short, 'you-know-what' with Voldy's face on the end. Yeah, that's my mind :S I won't ever be able to get that image out of my mind. Andraste: Thanks a lot Gwen, my mind is now officially screwed! Gwen: By me, or by Draco's you-know-what?)** I stomped out **(you stomped out twice?)** and did so **(three times? I have to say, ****'I washed my hands and did so' 'I told you that and did so' I actually like the sound of that)** until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson **(you had sex when you where suppose to have class? **What kind of school do you go to?** Btw, how does Draco get in your room, shouldn't the staircase chance into a slide when he tries to climb them?)** with Professor Snape **(With? Professor Snape is a student too?)**and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(Draco, you little shit!)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for proof reading Andraste! (Although we totally forgot to make a Starkid related joke this chapter...)**

**Happy reading, please let me know what you think :)**

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><p>Chapter 8.<p>

AN: stop flassing ok! **(No, we're never stopping. Not until you learn to write at least a little bit better.)** if u do den u r a prep! **(If you stop 'flassing' you're a prep…. Are you trying reversed psychology?)**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(Professor Snape is just letting this happen. Oh wait, he's a student now. Do they even have a teacher?)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(You know, it's quit hard to scream with emotions other than happiness, fear and anger. Try it with affection, desire, wonder, remorse or sadness, pretty hard right?)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith **(Who?)** smiled at me understatedly **(Because we all understand it if our friend comes in screaming, followed by a naked guy screaming.)**. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson **(crimson: strong, bright, deep red color)** eyes **(What is it with those people that they have to smile before opening their eyes! ?)** like blood **(She opens her eyes like blood? How can you open anything 'like blood'? Open it like a book or a door, you moron! Or say 'COLORED like blood' (which you already did by using the word crimson.))** that she was wearing contact lenses on **(Crimson eyes – like blood + contacts = which color?)**. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on **(So is she a vampire to, or does she just like the taste of blood?)**. Hermione **(No! No, no, no. Please no!)** was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires **(Her biologically real parents? That's not possible, vampires can't procreate)** and one of them is a witch **(By watching The Vampire Diaries I learnt that being both a witch and a vampire isn't possible. 'A witch is natures servant, a vampire is a abomination of nature. You can either be one or the other, never both.')** but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **(Sure…. You know what, I'm gonna let this one slide. Just ruin Hermione, whatever.)** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed **(Who wouldn't be? You changed her name, made her parents kidnappers, killed her 'real' parents, and, since a vampire is dead, I'm pretty sure you killed her too.)**. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger **(Well, since she was kidnapped that actually makes sense.)**. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **(This on the other hand, does not make sense. Like the houses have anything to do with God or Satan. Does this mean that Snape is now a Gryffindor, since he's a Christian and all?**))

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(I find this to be a pretty cool line,****I think I might just use that to pick up guys!)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(Vampire cheated on her? Didn't Draco cheat on her? Does that mean that she was cheating on Vampire (who she met this morning) with Draco? I think she Confunded herself.)**

Everyone gasped. **(Yeah, 'cause know they're surprised. Naked Draco is normal, but this… Gasp! Andraste:****Yes, but Gwen, naked Draco is sexy, who would gasp at a sexy naked Draco, duh!)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me **(is she talking 'bout herself?)**. I had went out with Vampire **(We're suddenly reading from Draco's point of view. That's not at all weird.)**(I'm bi and so is Ebony **(Ebony bi… doesn't surprise me, she seems to have more than one personality too.)**) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney **(Britney? Is that Ron his new name?)**, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now **(Right? So why haven't you had Madame Pomfrey magically remove your tattoo?)**. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep. **(But you do enjoy hanging out with a Goth who dumped you for a prep?)**)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **(Student Snape allows a lot of nonsense in his classroom.)**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest **(Run, Ebony, run!)** where I had lost my virility **(virility: the trait of being manly; having the characteristics of an adult male. Damn Ebony, you just lost your manliness)** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **(I would cry to, after such a sudden sex change. It must be easier though, not having to put his boy thingy in yours, now that you lost it.)**


	9. Chapter 9

**As usual, special thanks to Andraste Straton! Also, thanks to MissBliss8527, the only one who reviewed the 8th chapter!**

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><p>Chapter 9.<p>

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox **(Yeah, we had figured that out on our own already.)**! dis is frum da movie **(No it's not.)** ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers **(Yes it is)**! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE **(So?)**! and da reson snap dosent lik harry **(He licks Harry?)** now is coz hes christian and vampire is a Satanist **(it's has nothing to do with Snape's history with James and Lily, no, it's just about religion)**! MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **(He didn't cheat, both Draco and Vampire told you they dated BEFORE you to dated.)** I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(Somebody should really teach her how to be a man, man!)**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick **(Voldy! What will his name be?)**! He didn't have a nose **(The 'no nose' wasn't all that clear, thank you so much for explaining it!)** (basically like Voldemort in the movie **(Like? So it's not Voldemort? Is it his twin brother! ? Or is it Ron, only his parents found him on the street, died his black hair red, cut of a random persons nose (Tom Riddle's nose maybe) and put it on his face so that he looked like a Weasley?)** ) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic **(So she does now that wearing black isn't the same as being gothic)**. It was… Voldemort! **(Wait, what? His nose is like Voldemort's nose, 'cause he is Voldemort? Tara, your plot twists are amazing!)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" **(Imperio)** and I couldn't run away **(Because it's a Body-Bind Curse now. Petrificus Totalus is just too long.)**.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **(Whahaha, that's the best thing ever! Attack Voldemort with a cat, amazing. Not even being sarcastic now, I honestly think that's awesome! And I'm sure no one ever tried it.** Andraste: **I think she meant crucio, but Crookshanks works better.****)** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream **(Not that weird, if there's a cat in your face.)**. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(Sissy!)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(Voldy talks like he's from Shakespeare's time, interesting.)**  
><strong><br>**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **(so sexah)** and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought **(oh, now you're thinking.)**, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(Yeah, what if the thing they both tried to tell you is actually true?)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(It's surprises me how she keeps spelling his name right.)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **(What happened to Avada Kedavra? Or her fangs, or just her incredible strength.)**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(I just can't stop laughing. Voldemort was born 1926, not 1526. Oh Tara…)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. **(The whole school knows… He was running after you naked and you screamed about it like an idiot. Also, if Voldy lives in the forest (which wouldn't surprise me, since this was written in 2006, long before all the movies where made) not unlike he did in Harry's first year, he could have seen you two having sex.)**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face **(At least Voldemort knows she's retarded. Maybe he can convince other people.** Andraste: **I would say that Voldemort is the most canon character so far, and that is almost scary. Aside from the whole Shakespeare thing****)**. "I hath telekinesis."**(telekinesis: the movement of objects by scientifically inexplicable means, as by the exercise of an occult power. So I'm guessing that Voldemort used his mind to move Portait magazine to him and saw some pictures of Ebony and Draco at the concert.)** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" **(This Voldy is weird. Though maybe Voldemort would have won if he had used a gun instead of the Elder Wand.)**he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(He took his time. Did he get dressed?)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **(Here they go again.)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner **(Messy eyeliner?)** kind of like a pentagram **(What?)** (geddit **(No!)**) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked. **(Weren't you mad? About the 'cheating'. Shouldn't he ask you this question?)**

"No." he answered. **(This is starting to get ridiculous.)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **('You can't expel me. I'll expel you. In fact, you're expelled! I just expelled you!' 'What? That's absurd! You can't expel me. We can't expel each other, can we?' 'I won't pretend to know.')**

"That's okay." he said all depressed **(Shouldn't he be happy now that he isn't dumped? Of wait, he still has feelings for Vampire, even though Vampire is dumped him for the female version of Ron, re-named Britney.)** and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(Enjoy it while you can, Ebony. You won't be making out when you shoot the love of his life.)**

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><p><strong><strong>To make up for the chapter without any starkid references, I put an extra one in this. Actually, there where 3 Starkid references, one is very obvious, one is the Portrait magazine (I'll explain in a minute) and then there is the extra one. I'm wondering if somebody notices it, or could even find it if trying. So please review and let me know!<strong>**

**It isn't a legit reference, but I talked about Portrait magazine because the November issue of 2011 had Darren Criss on the cover, and the December issue, with the top 30 under 30, had Joey Richter on number two (after weeks of voting, he had over 350000 votes, only 7500 votes away from Jared Padalecki, the number one and over 300000 votes more than number three. I hope you know who Darren Criss and Joey Richter are, if not, you're missing out! (P.S. I wrote this back in December, when I had just spend a lot of time voting.)**


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